Since my last draft recap newsletter, a lot has happened. I was incredibly wrong about lots of my predictions, and right about not nearly as many as I would have liked. Each of our teams is starting to settle into the roles they will likely take up for the rest of the season, as the last four weeks have provided us with insights on how our team will perform the rest of this season. Some of us are thrilled with our teams, or at least a few of our players. And some of us are looking up all those different religions Matt wrote about a few weeks ago in hopes of praying to whoever we need to to turn our season around. Wherever you find yourself, rest easy in the knowledge that this is all imaginary. And at least we aren’t all Commanders fans.

Power Rankings

1. Sphace

If you would have told me that the guy who got banned from multiple Lynchburg parking lots for “watching the sunset” would be running our league, I would have called you a liar. But I do believe that Seth’s team is going to camp out with Tyler at the top of our league. Say what you want about Seth as a manager, but Seth’s draft was phenomenal. I would bet that he couldn’t tell you the first name of most of his players, and I guarantee he can’t spell their names. But Seth drafted a crazy good team, including the best RB room in our league. There are 5 different RBs on Seth’s team that could go nuclear on any given week. He also has the WR1 in Keenan Allen, with Garrett Wilson and Adam Thielen there to round out Seth’s great receivers. He also just scored a top-3 QB, and has decent TEs in Kittle and Henry. Seth’s team is not good, it is great. He is tied for the second best record and has the second most points scored, but I think this is the only time all season he will be second in anything. Expect Seth to dish out L’s to our league the same way Big Moe used to dish out drugs to his CGLs.

2. 40K Magic

Matt has firmly cemented himself at the top of the food chain in our friend group over the last 8 years. He bested the slowest kid on the track team in a sprint, asserting his physical dominance. He has made us laugh constantly by mercilessly roasting everyone we have ever known, letting us all know in the process that he could end us. He has even made some of us cry by his emotional depth and acting in hit musicals like Seussical and Guys & Dolls. And he is now establishing himself as a perennial powerhouse at fantasy football. Matt has one of the best starting lineups in our league. Every player in Matt’s starting lineup except Justin Tucker has scored more than 20 points in a game at some point this year. Hill is elite production, and Aiyuk and Pittman are both capable of big games. Losing his Chubb didn’t slow him down, as Kamara came back from injury and Achane could be the best waiver pickup of the year. He also has the QB2 and the TE5. You don’t put up over 200 points without your team being great. Matt’s team may end up proving me wrong about putting him at number 2. Expect Matt to score a crazy amount of points and win a lot of games the rest of this season, all while enjoying a freshly microwaved corn dog.

3. Le Petite Prince

Over the years, we’ve all felt many emotions towards Keegan. We love him and how fun it is to just sit down and talk about whatever with him. We’ve laughed both with and at him as he cracked hilarious jokes and struggled to do the most basic of household chores. We’ve even felt sympathy for him when his dad threw away half of his stuff Freshman year or when Rachel Hillis broke up with him after he helped move her in and then immediately called his parents. And now, many people are feeling anger and annoyance toward him as Keegan has firmly embraced the role of league villain. And the thing that makes it worse for some people is that his team is actually pretty good. Keegan has come into this season ready to defend his title the same way Danny tried to defend his Operation Christmas Child shoebox tower. And he is essentially spitting in a shoebox and hurling it at all of us. Mahomes and Kelce are both top-10 in their position. His RBs aren’t the most recognizable names, but Keegan is staying active on waivers to supplement his team and play the right RB each week. And this was definitely Keegan’s best WR1 draft, with legitimately 5 different guys that Keegan will rotate through all season. Only scoring 85 points last week may prove to keep him from his precious scoring title, but I believe Keegan is playoff bound either way. Hate him or love him, Keegan is really good at fantasy football.

P.S. A Note About Our Villain

Let me propose an additional thought about Keegan as our league villain. Keegan has taken up an incredibly important role by becoming our villain. Is he obnoxious at times, sure. Does he show little man syndrome in the way he’s aggressively flexing on us, without a doubt. But he has made us all better for it. Without a villain, heroes have nothing to strive to beat. They have no one to help them reach their fullest potential. Did Thanos not help Captain America realize he was worthy to wield Mjolnir? Did The Joker not hone Batman’s skills to their finest with every elaborate scheme? Did Darth Maul not help Ahsoka realize who she wanted to be as a Jedi? Keegan is pushing us to be better. So hate him, please cheer against him. But know he is doing us all a service.

4. Ozark’s Revenge

Think for a minute about how you would describe Andrew. What would you say about him? There are many defining characteristics you could go with. He’s a Topo Design b-word, and a b-word just in general. He’s hilarious and quick witted, and would rather take no stand than make any kind of statement. He is an avid consumer of content, and a chump for getting played by Legoman Seth multiple times. He is many great things as well, but we have all discovered over the last few years that he is very good at fantasy football. Andrew’s team is definitely not the best one that he has run with, but even when he isn’t at his best he is still better than most of us. Diggs, Lamb, and Moore looks like it is a scary good WR trio. His RBs are both top-16, Hurts is the QB9, and Evan Engram is the TE4. And we all know Andrew will remain active on waivers to add the right players to fill holes and stream the right defense. Maybe Megan’s family isn’t proud of the premarital sex jokes that Andrew makes, but I’m sure they are beaming with joy over the fact that their son-in-law will once again be ending up in our fantasy football playoffs.

5. You Just Got Cammed

Something you may or may not have noticed about me is that I am not a man that is prone to change. I started wearing jerseys in middle school, and decided that would be a large portion of my personality forever. I worked at Chick-fil-A in high school, and when I needed another job I went back to what was familiar. Even in games, I usually start out good and remain the same until everyone else starts getting better and I am surpassed. And that is what it is seeming like is happening in fantasy football. I finished our first year as the 3rd best team, but when everyone started getting better last year I was quickly in trouble. Even this year, I only have Jettas because I traded Derrick Henry for him, and I only had Derrick Henry because I traded Allen for him in our first season. My team has some absolute units on it. Bijan and Pollard are a great RB duo, as both currently sit at the RB6 and RB7. Jefferson is incredible and will always rack up tons of points. My QBs are only alright, and they can score 20 points, but they will likely never score more than that. And Sam LaPorta is my proudest part of this season as I scouted the TE2, but tight ends as a whole just aren’t scoring so that only means he will score between 8–19 points. After that, my team is pretty rough. I have no real WR2, and my FLEX is proving to be a difficult call on who I should fill it with. I am tied for the second best record in the league, but all three of my wins are against 1–3 teams. I think my good players will be enough to win me some games against the bottom teams, but I don’t think I have the firepower to make it to the playoffs or do anything if I did. I will remain the same, losing $20 every season and serving as little more than a jester to amuse my friends.

6. Devonta and the Geriatrics

Alex has been many things in the course of time that I have known him. A CGL, an RA, a Target employee, a prostitute, a door dasher, a salesman, and a sales manager to name a few. He also was a legendarily bad manager in our first season. But Alex has given us every reason to think that his first year was a fluke, possibly even an elaborate practical joke that he was playing on all of us. Alex has proven to be a competent manager since then, and drafted a decent team this year. Something crazy to consider about Alex’s team is that if he would have had this team a few seasons ago, he would have run any league he was a part of. But sadly, the year is not 2021, and Alex’s team is far more middle-of-the-pack than he would like. Alex has some great pieces. King Henry and Davante Adams have some flashes of former glory. Josh Allen is playing at MVP caliber. But he also has a lot of disappointments. Hopkins is not thriving in Tennessee, and Najee Harris is about to be replaced by Jaylen Warren. Alex should win games, his team is better than some out there. But he doesn’t have the razzle dazzle that many of the top teams have. If Alex was hoping to win the $150 that the champion of our league will get, I would suggest going on one of his “overnight trips to D.C.” if you know what I mean, because he won’t be winning that this year.

7. Bye Week

As we all know, Matt holds many interesting beliefs. Like believing that Ohio is a place that he would want to be in, or that Hell is a place that no one will be in. Or that players like De’Von Achane are not worth using a waiver on, and that Jonathan Taylor should be drafted in the 3rd round. While Matt’s team is probably not playoff material, I actually think Matt has a pretty decent team all things considered. AJ Brown, Christian Kirk, DK Metcalf, and Christian Watson is a WR group that has lots of potential. His RB situation is also pretty good, with Taylor coming back this week, and Walker continuing to be a stud. Trevor Lawrence should be better than he has been playing as well. His bench is nothing that special, and he will probably have to get creative when his best players go on bye if he wants to win. But Matt is surely better than some teams, and good enough to likely save him from being punished for a second year in a row. Hopefully Matt will use his waiver spot at some point and continue to improve his already decent team. Until then I expect Matt to teach the Christian youths of our country about how to make the edgiest of memes, and why the Coast Guard is the worst vocation someone can have.

8. AL’S Chicken

While some of us may resist change with all that we are, others embrace it wholeheartedly. They change jobs and where they live constantly as they go through life, and Allen is one of those people. He is totally fine moving to Florida or Charlotte or Lynchburg, even if just for a few weeks. He is also fine changing jobs, whether it is with Chick-fil-A or as a nurse. He is also fine with changing his roster constantly, as he has already engaged in 3 trades this year. And for someone who is fine with change, it is kinda funny that year after year he finds himself losing constantly in fantasy football. In Allen’s defense, this year seems like a fluke. Allen had a great draft. The Bengals sucking and an injury to Saquon, however, essentially took out two of his best players. Dameon Pierce has underperformed, and so has Amari Cooper. The addition of Jaylen Waddle is great for Allen, and adds another playmaker to his arsenal. And Karen Williams was a phenomenal pick up for him. I have no clue how Allen’s team is 0–4, but I wouldn’t expect him to keep losing so many games. Give him a few weeks, and Allen’s team should start winning him games and reaching their potential. We will also probably see Allen in a new city at that point as well.

9. Panda Express

Many of us have been able to be proud of Luke for many different things. Keegan was proud of Luke when he taught him how to drive. Joe and Andrew got to be proud of Luke only throwing his hat down in anger at spikeball some of the times that we all played. Seth was immensely proud of Luke for finally getting him to visit his grand parents after three years of living in the same state. And I am actually very proud of Luke for this season. When your team is as bad as his is, yet your involvement somehow goes up from previous years, there is a lot to be said about that. He has remained active in trade talks and kept up with waivers and made memes and been a net positive on the season as a whole. Sadly, none of that changes how bad his team is. CMC is looking like the MVP, and Joe Mixon complements him for one of the best RB duos in our league. TJ Hockenson has been one of the best TEs in the league, and Puka was a great addition to give him some offensive prowess at WR. The problem is that outside of those four players, Luke has nothing. His WRs are worse than mine, and Puka is surely going to see regression with Kupp’s return. Brian Robinson is the RB6, but he has a crazy high TD dependency and is on one of the worst offenses in the NFL. Luke has the second fewest points for, and that is only because we haven’t gotten to our biggest clown yet. So unless something drastic happens, we will gate-keep Luke from winning the same way that Luke gate-kept how much he pays for rent from us.

10. Sauce Boss

when i was a senior in high sChooL, i really wanted tO go to senior prom with this girl that i had liked all year long. i saved up money and bought her a necklace from kendra scott and drove to her house to ask her. i already had this plan for the Whole Night and was very exCited. when i asked her, she Let me knOW that she had already beeN asked and said yes to go with someone from our CLass. nO big deal, there Were pleNty of girls i was friends with and CouLd just ask One of them. i proceeded to ask out and get denied by 7 different girls. Word got arouNd sChooL and kids wOuld hold up the number 7 WheN i walked past. i was being made fun of by homesChooLers, and nOthing could save me from the embarrassment of trying so hard at something and failing so miserably. that is exactly What joe is doiNg this season. he spent tons of time moCk drafting and researching, onLy tO score the feWest poiNts in our league and lose what seems like will be a lot of games. joe’s team is really bad. There were a few promising players on joe’s roster, but they just haven’t panned out. gibbs is being used in the exaCt way that swift was used Last season, and is fading intO fantasy irrelevance as a result. amon-ra and chris olave Were both high upside players, but they have just beeN good with neither of them having a huge game yet. kupp Coming back couLd revive jOe’s team and help him fight his Way out of dressiNg in a CLOWN outfit next season, but i don’t think he will with the emergenCe of puka nacua. so unLess jOe keeps trying to take advantage of allen, i just don’t see a Way that joe starts scoriNg more than 100 points a game. you’ve got to think that joe’s team CouLd lOok so much different if he had kept tyreek hill our first season and had chosen to keep hill and diggs going into this season. hopefully joe can turn things around next year, but the Way that he is a commaNders fan and how he doesn’t keep his best player makes me think joe may enjoy putting himself through this type of punishment.

Sorry I was so late on the newsletter boys, but I got busier than I thought I would be and have been operating on very little sleep. I thought I would have time the same way I thought the Bengals would be good, BUT THAT’S FOOTBALL BABY. Hope this was worth the wait.

-Cam (Depression’s closest friend after what the Bengals are putting him through)