I am back out of retirement, call me Tom Brady I guess. Both because I lied about quitting once and because I also considered going to the Chicago Bears and didn’t tell anyone (definitely real). Since Keegan had a hard week and couldn’t pump out his typical great bias I mean bois rankings I decided to gift you all with a Monday edition of a classic Matt Schultz newsletter. Hope that WFH job gets a bit easier big Keeg, I know you always had sympathy for me when we lived in the Vistas so I am glad to return it.
Anyway here is what is holding each team back from winning the championship!
45k Magic – Matt O.
Why is Matt Owen 1-2? For the same reason he watches Kill Tony every week. He is attracted to performers with brain damage or associated with those with special needs. Tyreek Hill (no I am not gonna talk about his arrest) should be the best receiver in the league but when Tua decides to headbutt a dead guy and get his 18th concussion this week, Tyreek’s numbers are going to drop. Speaking of dropping, why did no one tell the Saints that they were supposed to drop the bounty hunting thing when Sean Peyton left? Smitty getting a concussion didn’t help Matt’s team but I do think they are probably a more fun team to hang out with. Honesty Tua should’ve been the guest instead of that dumbass Jon Christ this past week.
Le Petite Prince – Keegan
Keegan’s favorite rumor in high school was how Marilyn Manson got a rib removed so he could suck his own dick, and he has been trying to glaze himself ever since. Seriously Keeg, no one thinks your team is bad they are just tired of you being the Chris Collinsworth of the league. What holds your team back is only being able to start 3 WRs at a time, we should change the rules so that you can start as many wide receivers as you want because that is the only real position in football anyway. I was actually just reading an article on the Atlantic that said real leagues don’t even play with other positions so we should definitely do that next year.
You Just Got Cammed – Cam
I don’t even know if Cam can read this, I heard he is stuck in Nashville. Probably on 6th street looking for the Hawk Tuah girl to bring her back to Christ or ask if she is related to the Dolphins now retarded QB. But what is really holding Cam’s team back is his co commissioners ego. Haters gonna hate and Cam is about to be 4-0. You know Cam is kinda like his favorite team the Kansas City Chiefs. They are also undefeated and 100% deserve all the respect for their quality and legitimate wins. Maybe if the Hawk Tuah girl doesn’t work out he can talk with his friends Travis and Taylor.
Ballsackula’s Fury – Coby?
Who is Coby? I have never met this guy and really don’t now too much about him other than the fact that he probably writes 6’ 1’ on his tinder and girls always leave thinking they must be 6’ 2”. You would’ve thought this guy was Jesus Christ the way you all disrespected Randy for him but now he sits with a Seth-like roster taking my handmedowns like Christian Kirk. Maybe what has held him back for the last 4 weeks was Hurricane Helene that happened this weekend. Hope you’re ok bud!
Trch and Go – Alex
Alex, Alex, Alex. That is your name right? Idk if anyone else noticed that Keegan changed the limit of the amount of adds and drops we have this season but what would help Alex is maybe having a limit of how many times he can change his name. That would bring some consistency to your team which is what your players are lacking. I feel bad for you man, never knowing what your guys are gonna do, Josh Allen with 9 points just so you can lose to the likes of me? You saw me buy a whole Sam’s Club pizza for myself and then lost to me. That has to be rock bottom brother and I am sorry.
Sauce – Joe
Joe thought he was so smart for taking Kyle Pitts. Let us do a little etymology on Kyle Pitts shall we? First word: Kyle. We all know Kyle, we all say we love Kyle, but we also know Kyle is best at licking his knees and not finishing college. Is that what you want in a Fantasy Tight End? Second word: Pitts. This guy literally is the pits Joe, it’s right there in the name. Should’ve seen it coming, you drafted a smelly Kyle to play for your team. Good thing stats don’t matter on the field, in Fantasy Football, or in Poker because you are just there for the ride.
Panda Express – Luke
I have to start by saying Luke is my favorite Hartsfield. Not only have I seen Luke more recently than Seth but Luke has also texted me more than Seth too. A whole two times! What holds Luke back is actually quite sad, it isn’t anything like the rest of us where we make choices to punish ourselves. No, it is in fact God that is punishing Luke. “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born to lose in Fantasy Football?” Neither, it was his brother. Luke is being punished for the sins of Seth, and the only way for him to be redeemed is to either help Seth see his friend Matt or kill his own brother as it is described in Genesis. Ok that ma have been extreme but seriously idk if it is my own mystical version of God, Keegan’s progressive they/them god, or Seth’s set fire to the gays god; but no matter which one it is he is smiting Luke’s players like they were caught at the Diddy party in Sodom and Gomorrah.
SPHACE – Seth
What is holding our dearly beloved Seth’s team back from greatness? Himself. That’s it. It is just Seth and that is why his team is bad. Him making it to the championship so often was only proof that the rain falls on the wicked and righteous the same (that’s a verse in the Bible Seth). Seth has a real Nebuchadnezzar story arc. I actually think Seth’s team was raised as an example to show the full realization of Andrew’s revenge, similar to how the king was used with the fiery furnace story. And now that he has served that purpose Seth is left to exist as a dumbass I mean donkey like state in the league. (Again Seth and Joe, those are stories from the Hebrew Bible.)
Ozark’s Revenge – Andrew
As a former card carrying Andrew simp, I will admit that old habits die hard. Looking at Andrew’s roster he has a pretty solid and complete team. He is finding ways to win as he always does. I can’t really attack him for being absent because even though he wakes up during the second half of Monday night football he is still active in the chat. So what is holding Andrew back? The answer is simple. Allen. No Allen isn’t in the league, but he still requires a lot of Andrew’s attention. He is pretty needy and if you don’t pay attention to him enough he might start to attack you. I know feeling are pretty split in this group about Allen, like Joe loves him but Matt Owen won’t even be in the same room as him. I think the biggest surprise was just how close Keegan and Allen were before the move. But it is important to remember that Allen is Megan’s cat Andrew, not yours. So you tell Megan to feed him and pet him when he is bothering you while setting your line up at 3am on Sunday.
Bye Week – Matt S.
What’s eating Matt Schultz? More like what is Matt Schultz eating am I right Matt Owen? No, I didn’t get left in the bathtub and I am not retarded (that I know of) but there has been something occupying my mind lately. There has been great debate between my fans of who will get a ring first: the Eagles or my Fantasy Team? Well the answer is my girlfriend. I proposed to Hannah last weekend on the 21st thankfully unlike Matt Owen when I try to trade for Rasheed Shaheed, Hannah said yes. Lot of speculation that what holds me back is commitment; whether that is in the waiver wire or keeping Christian Kirk longer than 2 weeks. But I am here to say that I know longer fear commitment, I embrace it. And that is why I will continue to carry a minimum of 7 RBs on my team for the rest of the season!
National BOIS League