It All Comes to an End
It’s the last week of the regular season, which means it is the last scheduled official newsletter. With this comes the end of a season filled with drama, twists, turns, memes, tears, swear words, bridges built, bridges burned, roster changes, arguments, roster mismanagement, heated debates of waivers, and so much more. A lot happened this season, yet it flew by in the blink of an eye and here we stand at the end where only 4 teams will progress and 4 teams will pretend they care and 2 teams can be honest that none of it actually matters. Did you ever wonder what would happen if the Avengers didn’t go back in time and defeat Thanos? Or maybe you were a true thinker and wondered why if the avengers had that ability the whole time why they didn’t go back and eliminate Hitler before he led the holocaust? And then you get to a point in your thoughts where you realize if Hitler hadn’t come to power in Germany then Captain America would’ve never been created hence the avengers never formed which leads you to have a dilemma of either Hitler is responsible for the defeat of Thanos or the Avengers viewed the holocaust as a necessary evil to prevent a great loss and at that point the Avengers are not heroes but merely pawns of a never ending trolley problem from Biblical Worldview. Now you are saying “Matt what the hell are you talking about?” And to that I would say I am giving an analogy of how just like this philosophical fan fiction does not matter, fantasy football also does not matter unless we give meaning to it; which each of us has to different degrees. So remember that, life is what you make of it, even fantasy football.
Anyway here is your NBL Wrapped 2023, this year we are focusing on endings:
Andrew Snyder – Ozark’s Revenge
Top Player: Jalen Hurts
Best Pickup: CJ Stroud
Unique Trait: Always finding a way to win
Player Comparison: Peyton Manning
Movie Ending: Lord of the Rings
Andrew is like Peyton in that he made his name winning in a small town but then moved to Colorado to try and get things done. He has surprisingly found a way to just win, almost every week. Also similar to Peyton, Andrew has a wide array of small jobs that pad his resume. Andrew may not be sucking on the teat of the pizza papa, but he is getting that sweet sweet paycheck from the titans. I do believe Andrew will win the league, which is why I think his ending is the Lord of the Rings. It is literally the return of the king as Andrew will take his crown like Aragorn took his throne. Now this may be come across as Andrew sipping but believe me, this is not preferred winner and the only reason I think Andrew is in this spot is because of Jalen Hurts putting on an absolute clinic of how to be loss averse.
Matt Owen – 40k Magic
Top Player: Tyreek Hill
Best Pickup: De’von Achane (when he plays)
Unique Trait: Loyalty
Player Comparison: Giannis Antetokounmpo
Movie Ending: Toy Story 3
My namesake is my choice of preferred champion, and I do believe he has a legitimate shot at pulling it off. He started the season with most of the Ravens squad (minus Lamar thanks to Joey using a 2nd on him) and we thought it was a mistake. But alas he has proved us wrong. Similar to Giannis staying with the Bucks after everyone told him to leave just before he won the championship, Matt’s loyalty may be rewarded with a non-participation trophy in the end. But right now it looks bleak, similar to the finale of Toy Story 3, 40k Magic is staring into the furnace awaiting its fait with bravery. Will Tyreek and the dolphins save him or will he be incinerated and forgotten? Time will tell.
Seth Hartsfield – Space
Top Player: Deandre Swift
Best Pickup: Tua Tagovailoa (technically)
Unique Trait: The element of surprise
Player Comparison: Dexter Manley
Movie Ending: Star Wars
RB2 for the Philadelphia Eagles has been a great player for Seth even though he tries to trade him away and everyone will disagree that it’s his top player. But it’s my list and I think he was great this year. A top 10 RB in the 9th round. Good job Seth! Seth kind of reminds me of Dexter Manley. Who is Dexter you ask? He was an NFL player in the 80s who was illiterate. He could barely read or write and also pleaded guilty of impersonating a police officer. Well just like our favorite little Bible cop, Dexter learned how to read and went on to fight illiteracy across the US! Seth has surprised us all by building a competent team and reaching the payoffs yet again. I know he probably came a little when I said his movie ending is Star Wars, but hold your horses Seth. I think your ending is going to be the ending of Episode 9: a disappointing end to a disliked trilogy.
Alex Trca – _________
Top Player: Josh Allen
Best Pickup: Noah Brown
Unique Trait: Creativity
Player Comparison: JJ Reddick
Movie Ending: Split
Alex has been on the up and up for the last few years, though I guess that’s pretty easy when you start at the literal bottom. Some things to look back on for Alex this season: was not a vending machine, was always competing, had a child. Josh Allen was kind of like the Panthers game we all went to: Incredible fantasy but kinda mid in reality. But not to worry because Alex is most likely going to the playoffs! Which version of Alex will go though? The only consistent part of Alex’s team has been his inconsistent team names. Which is why I think his ending will be likened to the James McAvoy classic “Split” where a man with many personalities is ultimately chased away by a young Anya Taylor Joy. It doesn’t matter how many team names or personalities Alex comes up with, they’ll all have the same ending.
Joe Hyland – Sauce Boss
Top Player: Amon-Ra St. Brown
Best Pickup: Tank Dell
Unique Trait: Head Knowledge
Player Comparison: Ben Simmons
Movie Ending: Shutter Island
What an interesting individual is our friend Joey Hyland. He spent more time in the off season studying football than his QB Kyler Murray did playing call of Duty. He maybe has the most head knowledge of the current NFL landscape than anyone in this group. But what would head knowledge do for you Seth? That’s right, send you straight to eternal conscious torment to be punished by God for not moving that knowledge 12 inches to your heart. Which is how much Joe might miss the playoffs by. His player comp is good boy Ben, who was touted as having the most basketball IQ the league had ever seen, yet still passed under the net. Thought Joe hasn’t really been playing against the rest of the league, his competition has been himself. Just like Leo in Shutter Island, this season has taken place in Joe’s head, not on the ESPN app. The sad part is that no matter how much Joe studies, his alter ego competition will just know that much more.
Luke Hartsfield – Panda Express
Top Player: Christian McCaffery
Best Pickup: Brock Purdy
Unique Trait: Being Seth’s brother
Player Comparison: Trevon Diggs
Movie Ending: Truman Show
Sometimes I feel Luke is just a social experiment similar to the one in Truman Show. Everyone seems to love him because they watched him grow up in front of them. He also kind of exists in this bubble where we know very little of the true Luke, just a curated perception. Like does he even exist outside of his relation to Seth? I think this was a breakout year for Luke, attempting to be a part of the chat and the league and forge his own path. Just like when Jim Carrey stepped off set. But sadly the real world was a little tough for him. He is out of the playoffs and only has a one game difference from myself (which is sad). Just like Trevon Diggs, Luke is good but will live crouched in the shadow of his older brother Seth (Stefon).
Keegan McMenamin – Le Petite Prince
Top Player: Travis Ettiene
Best Pickup: Jake Elliott
Unique Trait: Humility
Player Comparison: Joe Alwyn
Movie Ending: Titanic
Our price has fallen, our ever so humble scoring champion (had to remind myself he did that because who else would have) and reigning league winner is slumming it with the peons. Looks like at least one Travis panned out this season though. Now some of you are questioning his player comp, but I never said it was limited to sports. Joe Alwyn is a veteran in the game of love. Just like Mr. Alwyn, Keegan had it all and lost it and now has to watch others flirt with his WR1 strategy. The unthinkable happened, everyone said the titanic was too big to fail yet here is Keeg freezing in the water while Rose man spreads all over that plank. Keegan is down bad (both definitions) and his only reprieve is that he will probably not be the loser of the league, just the laughing stock.
Allen Duffie – AL’s Chicken
Top Player: Ja’marr Chase
Best Pickup: Dak Pisscock
Unique Trait: Perseverance
Player Comparison: Carson Wentz
Movie Ending: The Shawshank Redemption
Allen is arguably the worst team in the league and has been for a while now, but there is no way he will come in last place in the final standings because of how much he goes to church. God just won’t let him down like that. Carson Went was recently misquoted with saying “You only get an opportunity like this every 11 months” and there is not a more fitting quote for Mr. Duffie. Whether it is moving to a new city, getting. Anew long term career job, or even staying in the fantasy football league with his friends year after year of this kind of performance. Allen only gets those once in a lifetime opportunities every couple months. And just like the ending of The Shawshank Redemption, he will leave his prison cell and focus on friendship rather than his circumstances.
Cam Stayton – You Just Got Cammed
Top Player: Sam LaPorta
Best Pickup: Jordan Love
Unique Trait: Long Suffering
Player Comparison: Joel Embiid
Movie Ending: Fight Club
Cam (just like Joel) is at his best when he is telling jokes and trolling, though the biggest joke this season has been his own team (just like the 76ers year after year). Memorable moments from Cam this year: losing to me by literal points, having the league vote on his unalivement plan, having a kid (which is a bright spot). Cam has not only suffered in fantasy by being in the bottom tier with me, but is also going through it with the Bengals and the Pacers. Kinda just getting it from all ends (which almost made me pick Shawshank redemption for Cam if you know what I mean). But alas, similar to Joe, Cam has been fighting himself all season. Whether picking Bijan and relying on him to not be a Keegan and have tummy issues, or watching the only bright spot on his team in Jefferson go down for the end of the regular season.cam has seemed to put up a good fight most of the time, but now that we have reached the end we see there was no one on the other side, just Cam’s imaginary friend.
Matt Schultz – Bye Week
Top Player: AJ Brown
Best Pickup: Holding the number 1 waiver all season
Unique Trait: Still Being Alive
Player Comparison: Matt Stafford on the Lions
Movie Ending: Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny
Last place 2 years running, it’s starting to become a tradition. There is a lot to say, but I will try to keep it brief. Remember when Stafford was on the Lions and had Megatron but could still never get it done? Just year after year of disappointment. It’s not that Stafford was necessarily bad, just never good enough. My team has had glimpses of mediocrity but always reveals itself as an absolute dumpster fire. A team that wa more committed to memes than winning. And what does a losing culture produce? Ask Detroit before Dan Campbell: apathy. It’s a struggle to get on the ESPN app some days. That is not to say I did not try, I did my best! I changed my players, attempted a couple trades, added some players, did about 15 minutes of research before the draft. But here I stand, on the verge of becoming the loser yet again. But that is life, you try so hard, and get so far, but in the end: it doesn’t even matter. The first year of the BOIS league I was a force to be reckoned with, I was on my way to the championship if it wasn’t for, you guessed it, Matt Stafford letting me down. And that was it. It was my Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, beloved and successful. Well last year was my Indiana Jone and the Crystal Skull, hated and unsuccessful. Which leads us to this season: Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny. For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, it leans heavily into what made the early movies successful, yet is unable to reproduce the results of its predecessors. It was a mediocre movie filled with fan service and little risk. This season I have attempted to service you, the fans, with newsletters and memes. I leaned into what made my first iteration of a team successful: one or two cornerstone players, Jonathan Taylor, a hard to predict QB. But it has not produced the same results. Instead I am left with a taste of mediocrity and burnt toast. Which leads me to my ending. At the end of the Dial of Destiny, Indy hangs up his hat and it represents the retirement of Harrison Ford. I stand before you today, to announce my retirement. Just like Tom Brady, I am retiring after a lackluster season. I don’t know how I will be remembered. I doubt my number will be retired. I don’t think I will get any TV time like Madden. In fact, I may just dissipate into obscurity. Forgotten like generations past. I have always believed that fantasy football was an all-in proposition, if a 100% competitive commitment isn’t there, you won’t succeed, and success is what I love so much about our game. I have tried my very best these past 3 years. There are no shortcuts to success on the field or in life. With much love, appreciation, and gratitude, Matt.
“I only do this because I’m having fun. The day I stop having fun, I’ll just walk away.”
Heath Ledger
This concludes the last newsletter. The finale. The closing note. It has been a pleasure serving you and hopefully making you laugh. I wish you the best of luck in the post season, no matter which bracket you play in. And I wish you a happy holidays as well. Remember that the only thing that matters is what you place meaning onto, so place your meaning carefully. With that, I say everyones favorite Spikeball score: 10-4, over and out.
The END.
National BOIS League