Introduction:
What are Sunday’s for? A question that has plagued mankind for decades. Ever since Constantine* changed the Sabbath from its traditional day of Saturday to Sunday there has been a constant war for man’s final day of the weekend. Whether it is the gathering of Christian believers, 11am brunch with the misses, or 7 HOURS OF COMMERCIAL FREE FOOTBALL as God intended; there are many things vying for our attention these days. You see, I believe the true reason that God ordered for the Sabbath to be Saturday was to protect the sacredness of the pigskin. You may think that football would have been against the traditional law of the Old Testament because it involved an unclean animal being thrown around but we all know that it’s made of cowhide and that was fine in God’s eyes so your point is mute. Now you may be asking, “Matt, why are you talking so much about religion in the first edition of ContentZone™ when it is supposed to be a newsletter about Fantasy Football?” And to that I would respond with, “Are you guys really that surprised?”. I mean name a more iconic duo than me pushing the envelope of faith to make everyone a little uncomfortable. So I present to you a special edition of the newsletter to celebrate my return to the writing circle as well as the launch of our new platform: Fantasy Football as a Religion: A Creed
*That’s your reminder of the Roman Empire for the week in case your girl has been asking you how often you think of it 😉
Fantasy Football as a Religion: The Creed
In the realm of sports, we find not only a source of entertainment but also a profound way to connect with our innermost passions and beliefs. Among these sacred pursuits, Fantasy Football stands as a powerful testament to the human spirit. It is time to recognize Fantasy Football not merely as a game but as a religion—a faith that brings millions together in devotion, competition, and camaraderie.
The Genesis of Fantasy Faith
In the beginning, there was football. And it was good. Yet, the spirit of competition and camaraderie yearned for a more profound connection. Thus, the faithful conceived Fantasy Football—a sacred melding of statistics, strategy, and fervor. In this act, we, the believers, declared our devotion to the gridiron gods.
The Sacred Draft
The annual Fantasy Football draft is our baptismal ritual. As we assemble our teams, we choose players to represent us in battle. This is a profound act of faith, as we trust in the abilities of our chosen warriors to bring glory to our name.
The Weekly Worship
Each Sunday, we gather before our screens, our altars, to watch our chosen players engage in holy combat. With bated breath, we watch as touchdowns, tackles, and field goals manifest before us. Our emotions surge with each play, for we know that the destiny of our team, and by extension our souls, hangs in the balance.
The Communion of Trade
The trade deadline is our confessional booth. Here, we offer sacrifices, exchanging players in hopes of improving our lots in the divine realm of Fantasy Football. We seek guidance from experts, engage in negotiations, and make offerings of players to please the football gods.
The Quest for Glory
Our pursuit of the championship is a spiritual quest. We analyze statistics, invoke the wisdom of experts, and trust in our intuition to make divine decisions. We dedicate time and energy to this pursuit, for it is through victory that we hope to earn our place in the Fantasy Football pantheon.
The Fellowship of the League
The league is our congregation, our community of fellow believers. We engage in playful banter, offer support in times of defeat, and celebrate together in times of triumph. We cherish the bonds forged through this shared faith.
The Afterlife of Statistics
Even in defeat, we find solace in the numbers. Each touchdown, yard gained, or interception thrown serves as a lesson and a reminder of the ever-unpredictable nature of this divine sport. We acknowledge that our devotion to Fantasy Football extends beyond the boundaries of wins and losses.
The Sanctity of Tradition
We honor the traditions of Fantasy Football, from the naming of teams to the annual punishment of the league’s last-place finisher. These customs enrich our faith and connect us to the lineage of Fantasy Football believers who came before us.
The Fantasy Faith
In recognition of these truths, we, the faithful followers of Fantasy Football, declare our devotion to this sacred sport. We embrace the camaraderie, the passion, and the lessons it imparts. We acknowledge Fantasy Football as more than a game—it is our religion, our way of life, and our source of spiritual connection.
In Fantasy Football, we find not just a pastime but a path to enlightenment. As we gather in the name of touchdowns and victories, let us remember that in the realm of Fantasy Football, we are not just fans; we are believers. We are united by our devotion, and in this unity, we find our truest faith.
Content:
So this past week as I have been thinking about the relationship between fantasy football and religion, I began to imagine how each team owner would would compare to a religion in their style of coaching or their personality. It was not easy, and in no way am I implying that any of these owners have any affiliation with these religions. Just so much as their style of play or how their season has been turning out. So please take a minute (I took many to write these) and read what your fellow congregants would be as a world religion in their fantasy faith.
Le Grande Jefe – Buddhism
A primary tenet of the Buddhist faith is the belief in reincarnation. In fact, it is believe that once we die, we come back as something else like a bug or a plant or in the case of punishment: a Cowboy’s fan. I guess Alex hasn’t found his total enlightenment yet as he continues to “reincarnate” his team name every week. Eventually maybe he will find something to settle on and gain peace, but until then we will remain asking the question, “Who the hell is insert new name here?”
Le Petite Prince – Jehovah Witness
The Little Prince and his guaranteed winning strategy that everyone else can clearly see is a scam. Similar to the Jehovah Witness’s, everyone pretends they aren’t home when Keeg comes knocking on your door for a trade. He thinks he has the only answer and wants to share his plethora of mid WR1s with the league, all the while behind his big smile is his elitism as only 144,000 are getting into heaven, similar to how he is the only one that will win it all.
Panda Express – evangelical mega church
Have you ever been to an evangelical mega church? Have you noticed how nobody really knows anyone and you can slip in and out and no one really questions it either way? Well besides looking exactly like Chad Veach, lil Luke has some tendencies similar to those mega churches. Just kind of existing and inputting every now and then, choosing on his own terms when to be a fantasy team and when to be a consumer of Suits and ignore the league.
Sauce Boss – Catholicism
I think we all saw this one coming, I mean was there really any other option for our dear friend Joesph Patrick Hyland? If we are being honest, I am more surprised by the lack of similarities to the Catholic Church than I am by what he has in common. For instance, Joe surprisingly does not have a prayer candle to his patron saint Aaron Rodgers (maybe why he tore his achilles) and also does not rosary for his favorite team the #BrandNewLions. But similar to his patron saint, Joe loves a good Hail Mary whether on the field or on his fantasy team with whatever player he has an infatuation with that week.
Ozark’s Revenge – New Age
“If you don’t stand for anything, you can agree with everything”
Andrew (probably)
What do Andrew and New Age religions have in common? No one knows what the hell both of them are talking about and they go to Colorado for enlightenment. Andrew is a perennial in the championship games and I will be honest that I don’t really know how. It seems like he goes through the same injury hardships I do and the same draft mistakes Joe does yet somehow it just works out for him. Kinda like New Age religions where it doesn’t make any sense but somehow they are able to live in Denver by selling magic rocks to tourists.
Sphace – Independant Fundamentalist Baptist
The obvious comparison here is that Seth has to ask ESPN what he thinks about football just like he has to ask Tyler what he thinks about faith, but I am not here for low blows and cheap shots. No the reason Seth’s team is like the IFB is for the issue of women in leadership. Have you looked at Seth’s team? THERE ARE ONLY DUDES. Not a single woman on Seth’s team. Now you may say, “But Matt, there are no women in the NFL.” And to that I would respond with, “Shut up, this is my newsletter.” See I don’t think Seth would’ve picked a woman on his team even if there were any available. And that’s because just like the IFB, Seth’s team scores low on the female empowerment test. II don’t know how it connects but him having Russel Wilson as his QB seems to back this theory up.
Al’s Chicken – Calvinism
In 1517 AD (or CE for your liberal ass Keegan) there was a top 95 list posted on a Catholic Church. Unlike Keegan’s Top 10 of the month, this was the top 95 reasons the Catholic Church was wrong and why it needed reform. Now 95 might seem like a lot but our friend Richard Duffie would have a list 100 times that for our Catholic friend Joe, which makes him and his team the ultimate Calvinist. Constantly trying to reform other teams while still sitting at a 0-2 record. Now to Allen’s credit he strays from the typical Calvinist belief and is not a cessationist, which is good because I am pretty sure Tua still speaks in tongues after last year.
40k Magic – Atheism
Matt O. is experiencing the classic youth group pipeline of Ken Ham to Stephen Hawking, ironically so did Nick Chubb after this last week as he won’t be walking anytime soon. The season started off great for Matt and it looked like nothing could stop him. He was excited about the draft, was doing sword drills during pre-season and even started out strong with a couple of mission trips to go 2-0. But now the struggle is coming. Nick Chubb is done and Aiyuk is dealing with shoulder pains, what was once a strong and promising team is now looking at its first bout of adversity. What will Matt do? Will he turn to the Lord and pray for a miracle or will this hardship break him and force him into a life of being the antagonist in the next God’s Not Dead movie? Time will tell.
You Just Got Cammed – Quakerism
The Quakers are a peaceful group, I have been to a Quaker meeting and really enjoyed it. They do not believe in fighting and stand for integrity, which I see in Cam’s approach to fantasy. But it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, Cam is the last person you will want siding with you in an argument about league dynamics. Just like the Quakers commitment to blind moralism would have prevented them from being allies of the Jewish people in World War II, Cam is too amicable to take on corruption at its core and will always agree with both sides in the end. While is peacefulness is admirable, it allows for greed and corruption in leadership to prosper.
Bye Week – Judaism
We have finally reached the 0-2 Bye Week. I was hoping to have a triumphant rebrand when I got my first win, but as of right now that is seeming like a distant wish. There was a time when I felt that maybe I was God’s chosen team, having both Jonathan Taylor and Najee Harris to build a team around last year. But then I entered Egypt and became a slave to injury. God allowed my team t be tested, and it failed miserably. I spent a log time wandering the wilderness of the barren waiver wire. And if you thought that was bad, wait until 1939 rolls around. This season is shaping up to be the the second great tragedy of the my humble team. To quote Lamentations (that’s in the OT Joe and Seth)
“We’ve been to hell and back. We’ve nowhere to turn, nowhere to go.
Rivers of tears pour from my eyes at the smashup of my dear people.”
Lamentations 3:47-48
Just like the historic faith of Judiasm, I remain committed to the Lord and pray for a savior to come and rescue me. Though with each passing week I am thinking I am waiting on something that already came and I did not recognize it.
I recognize the irony of a team formerly named after a Kanye song being compared to Judaism, but I renounced any affiliation long ago and embrace my Jewish brothers and sisters with open arms.
Game of the week:
Matt Schultz vs Joe Hyland
This game isn’t as much about what either team stands to win, but more about what each team stands to lose. I feel like both of us are in a Mario Kart race with only blue shells turned on. One of us has to win but neither of us are going to enjoy the victory. Cam has lended his support to me and confidently endorsed my team for the win, while Keegan decided to protect his record and side with Joe (traitor). I have to keep hope in the face of adversity and believe that I am going to get my first win this week.
Conclusion:
So on the eve of our day of worship, whether in church or in the redzone; remember that in the end the points don’t matter. Your record does not matter. Your waiver wire pickups do not matter. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is the memories we make along the way. Even if the only memories you have are the ones about how NFL players making millions of dollars let you down because they wanted more money than you will ever see in your life.
With that, I close out the first edition of Content Zone™. I am excited of 4th future of the league (in relation to media not necessarily my team). Hopefully you enjoyed the work put into this. I don’t have a tagline like Cam and Keegan yet so I guess I will just leave you with: Go Birds!
A note from the creator: The views and opinions expressed in this article are for comedic and parody purposes only. There is no intent of disrespect or mockery at all. The views and opinions expressed here do not reflect the views and opinions held by the author.
National BOIS League